How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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