Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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