I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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