stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
