My friends, they love my intelligence
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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