i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
