1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
