I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
