Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
