dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She announced her abortion via fbk
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
