she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
