I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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