i don't plan on having that self control this summer
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
