I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
