Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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