Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
id be glad to
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
