I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
