I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
