just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
