get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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