Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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