She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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