So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I AM VODKA MAN
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
