I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
