I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
