Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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