Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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