Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
