this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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