There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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