You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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