i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
