Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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