You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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