Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
