Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She bit a glass in half.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
