I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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