Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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