he puts the penis in happiness.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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