Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
