Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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