I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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