that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
