Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
