i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dignity is for republicans.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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