my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
