I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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