I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
