I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
