I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
