You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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