meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
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