His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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